Words by Dori Varga, photographed by Sarah Fernandez
I didn't even know about it. Then it didn't seem like it would ever pass. Until it started to fade.
I mean the Baby Fog.
It's like I can taste it, I can see it, and I can feel it on my skin all at once.
It cannot be described with anything else but words like magical and divine, and I cannot and wouldn't even dare to, and even refuse to see myself as anything else but a Goddess.
I am one with the universe. I am one with Mother Earth. I am one with You.
These feelings come to me like the most natural state of being in my mind and body. I don't know anything else as deeply as this. I couldn't be any more confident telling you anything else, but this: I am one with it all.
Like a psychedelic journey that never ends. Could it be? How am I even able to grasp these thoughts with my tiny human brain? And why can't everyone else feel the sweet caressing of this sparkling purple mist?
It's a crazy wild thing. This Baby Fog.
It's there when I wake up in the morning at 7, when I do my groceries in a rush, when I hang with friends on the beach, when I write, when I have sex I have been planning for days, when I drive to places, when I poop, when I sit and breath. It's everywhere. There isn't a place to hide.
At least there wasn't. Until now.
Like time traveling, all of a sudden I notice my black clothes that take up 80% of my closet. They are there just like I left them before the pachamama-love-storm found its way in. Slowly I am remembering how to use the words 'fuck' and 'shit' without feeling like a giant asshole for even thinking them. The peacefulness I have been blessed with is sort of gone, and I find myself sometimes being as fiery as ever. Even though I know who to blame (my period!), I still look in the mirror sometimes and try to figure out who's looking back at me.
It's a beautiful thing. Slowly discovering myself again after offering my whole to grow another human being. Getting to know myself in this body that the universe blessed me with. And myself as the thinker behind this curtain who's been working hard for nearly 30 years so I can decide between my likes and dislikes.
Discovering the soul is the greatest of them all. The Baby Fog just completely brought out the essence of this part of me. The me that has been hiding behind and kept in prison by societal bullshit. The world inside of me that has been there all along, waiting for its moment to shine.
It is quite the challenge to own this new found feeling of existence, and yet own the person I am and was before becoming a portal of the mother.
Creativity (my most favorite of all of my ity's) has gone through such transformation that only a schizophrenic woman might understand. It's confusing most of the time, but that is a feeling of inspiration itself.
The ultimate muse: Motherhood. What a struggle yet what an incredible gift.
Things will never be the same. And why should they be when all its teachings are here to serve us to make our world a better place. If we want it.
In each phase of Motherhood I recognize the evolution of myself. I recognize the meeting of the old and the new me. Sometimes it's scary, and at other times most satisfying to notice that I am evolving. For a while it seemed that being in the realm of the Baby Fog made the world stop, and if anything, I was going more backward than forward. Now, looking back, I see the greatest transformation, a lesson to take on the road of the future. Where I'll be more patient with myself, where I'll tune into my womb first while searching for answers, and where I'll always remember where I came from. After all: what could be more grounding than the smell of five times a day, breastmilk infused, newborn baby poop?
Connect with author and photographer through Instagram- @dorideer @learnfern